


in a parallel universe

by amazonphil (rei_oh_three)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Canon, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood, Blood Loss, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fainting, Hospitalization, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Nightmares, Punk Dan Howell, Sad Phil Lester, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-21 01:43:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16567223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rei_oh_three/pseuds/amazonphil
Summary: title and story inspired from "parallel universe" by clara benini recommend to give it a listen while reading!





	in a parallel universe

our first fight since we got together was fairly simple.

 

i stared at him, tears in my eyes. “do you even care about me at all?”

 

he looked at me, and the anger in his eyes dissolved away.

 

“fuck, phil, i'm sorry,” he said as he made his way towards me.

 

dan muttered apologies in a hushed voice, calming both of us down. that somehow led to us making out in my bed until we fell asleep.

 

that was only the beginning of something so much worse.

 

* * *

 

dan was drunk. really,  _ really _  drunk, and that wasn't good.

 

i thought he was already passed out on the couch when i was making my way to my room. then he called after me. i felt myself tense up.

 

i kept walking. a mistake on my part, really.

 

“phil!” i heard the anger in his voice. but i kept walking.  _ why did i keep walking? _

 

glass hit the wall. shards everywhere. none of them hit me, thankfully.

 

i made my way to dan, eyes downcast. i didn't want to see him like this. i don't know what to do whenever he's like this.

 

_ he's so… uncontrollable. _

 

he pulled me towards him, making me straddle his lap.

 

“kiss me,” he whispered, voice low. i wanted to cry.

 

i kissed him anyway. he tasted like gin and a bit like mint. i remember the first time we kissed. the taste of alcohol wasn't there before.

 

i didn't notice that i was crying until dan pulled away, wiping tears from my cheeks.

 

“what's wrong?” he asks in his drunken state. he looked genuinely guilty.

 

“i miss you,” i muttered against his mouth, my bottom lip brushing the cool metal of his snakebites.

 

“i'm here, aren't i?” he whispered in my ear before kissing my neck. i didn't want him to, no. i wasn't really in the mood for this. i still let him.

 

* * *

 

“do you love me?” i asked dan when we were having sex one night.

 

he never answered that question.

 

i wondered if he ever would.  _ what would he even reply? _  i got too scared to ask again.

 

sometimes i wonder if it's always been this way. _i feel like there's something i might be forgetting. is this really what we are now?_

 

* * *

 

in another world, in a parallel universe, i wonder how we are.

 

maybe dan and i will start out best friends instead of enemies. maybe dan would be happier and less often drunk.

 

maybe… just maybe.

 

in a parallel universe, he'd say he loves me.

 

i looked at my phone, glowing as dan's 17th call was left unanswered. i felt too weak to pick it up. i closed my eyes.

 

a different notification came from my phone. a message.

 

i dared myself to try to look, bloodied fingers marring my otherwise clean phone.

 

the tiny blade held in my right hand clattered to the ground. everything was hazy. i couldn't focus on anything. my head began to hurt. my screen was too bright.

 

i managed to get the code in. i opened the messages. i felt my consciousness slipping away.

 

i felt my eyes tear up as i saw the messages. everything was blurry. i only saw bits and pieces.

 

_ —e okay. please be ok— _

 

_ i need yo— _

 

_ —’m co—ing so— _

 

_ ho— on _

 

but only one was clear.

 

_ i love you. _

 

it was too late. dan was too late.

 

i tried to get a grasp of this reality.

 

_ in this universe, dan loves me. in this universe, maybe things would be alright. but it’s too late. _

 

i'll make him love me in the next life.

 

we’ll find each other again. i swear we will.

 

* * *

 

_ darkness. _

 

_ where am i? what is this place? who am i? _

 

_ blinding light. _

 

* * *

 

i open my eyes only to shut them again.

 

_ too bright. _

 

i heard some indecipherable soft noises. muffled voices. music.

 

everything comes back to me, making me open my eyes almost involuntarily due to shock.

 

“phil, oh thank god you're awake.” it's dan, but… his voice sounds more carefree. happier, even. “you worried me so much!”

 

i looked at him. he looks very different.

 

i clutch my head, which had begun to hurt. memories flood my head.  _ what is real anymore? is this who i really am? was that all just a bad dream? _

 

my mind cleared.

 

i pinched myself and felt pain.

 

i checked my wrists. clean and pale.

 

“hey,” came dan's voice from behind me. he rested his hand on my shoulder, grounding me to where i am.

 

this is the reality.

 

i let out a shuddering breath i didn't know i was holding.

 

“you okay?”

 

“y-yeah.” my voice was a bit raspy from not having talked for some time. “can i have water?’

 

dan handed me a water bottle. i gratefully accepted it and drank. i finished more than half of it.

 

“how long was i out for? what happened?” i asked.

 

“a few hours. you passed out! you don't remember?”

 

“no,” i say slowly.

 

“i'm calling the doctors to check on you so we could go home, then we talk, alright?” dan said with a smile.

 

* * *

 

 

a series of tests were run on me. i don't remember fainting at all. my mind caught up with reality, but that…  _ that nightmare gave me a real scare. _

 

dan snapped a picture of me, where i chose to look down. my phone was beside me, charging. it was at 8%, i think.

 

thankfully, there wasn't anything wrong with me, and soon we were on the way home.

 

* * *

 

“you know what i think,” dan said as were seated in the cab which was headed home. “you were probably abducted by aliens.”

 

“hmm… maybe,” i mutter, mind distant. i was hyper-aware of how he held my hand. it was so soft. he was so real.

 

“seriously! think about it. you fainted, and don't remember a thing of what happened! your soul was probably taken to outer space and back and you don't remember, making me worry so much!”

 

i allowed myself to smile.

 

“meh, it could just be me being old.”

 

“pfft, yeah. you're an old man.”

 

we shared a laugh just as the cab pulled up in front of our apartment. dan paid the driver and we made our way up the stairs.

 

dan opened the door to our flat. it felt nice to be home. an image flashed in my mind, of empty bottles of alcohol, with broken glass on the side. i shook my head.  _ this _  is my reality.

 

“you seem really bothered,” dan noted, looking at me.

 

“nightmare,” i muttered.

 

dan looked at me, concerned as he pulled me onto the couch with him. he was lying down while i was half on top of him, our feet dangling off the edge. i rested my head on his chest.

 

i could almost hear the gears turn in his head as his face slowly lit up with realization.

 

“when you fainted?”

 

i nodded.

 

“d'you wanna talk about it?”

 

i lowered my gaze onto my feet. dan seemed to take this as a no.

 

he simply pulled me into an embrace, warm and welcoming. i let out a sigh of relief.

 

“i love you,” i blurt out, not looking him in the eyes.

 

he lifts up my chin, making me look at him.

 

i felt myself tear up. i bit my lip.

 

“it's been over five years. i love you too, you spork.” dan smiled at me.

 

tears flowed out of my eyes as i cried onto his shoulder. i felt so relieved.

 

“hey, hey, what's wrong? did that nightmare scare you that much?”

 

“i'm just…” sniffle. “so glad that...” sniffle. “none of it was ever real.”

 

dan hugged me even tighter.

 

“i love you so much.  _ please _  remember that” he whispered softly, before kissing me on my temple.

 

we lay there as time progressed, eventually getting up to use our phones as we discuss what to have for dinner.

 

we never talked about the incident again. maybe not yet. maybe not ever.

 

i still get nightmares about  _ that _ . dan still didn't know what the nightmare was originally about.

 

i didn't want to talk about it in fear that he'll reveal that it really happened in the past and i don't want to ruin what we have now. i might drive myself mad just thinking about it.

 

however, dan just  _knows_  when i get them and never fails to tell me he loves me whenever. i felt so thankful to have him.

 

maybe we can talk about it one day, but for now... i'll settle with this. us. happy.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos appreciated!!
> 
> \- rei <3


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